No Loud Grunting

What is the definition of "loud grunting?"

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I ask this incredibly important question because we joined a new gym here and they have some very specific rules, some are clear and make perfect sense, such as:

Re-rack all weights and equipment.

This was also a rule at Gold's, where I previously spend most of my free time. Unfortunately, quite a few people felt that putting away their toys at the end of their workout was 'beneath them' or something, because it was not infrequent that I would sidle up to a bench station and find three or four 45lb plates...on each side. Just pulling those off and putting them away was a workout. It got so bad that they put up signs every 18" on the walls and mirrors saying "MEMBERS WHO DO NOT PUT AWAY THEIR WEIGHTS WILL LOSE THEIR MEMBERSHIPS IMMEDIATELY" (except that it was mis-spelled "immeadetely" which drove me to distraction...until I brought a sharpie and corrected them).

New Gym also requires:

(Appropriate) Gym attire only: no jeans, cut-offs, zippers, buttons, boots or sandals - gym shoes only.

This was also (supposedly) a rule at Gold's, but again, not enforced. One of my gym friends, a particularly enormous man named Louis, consistently wore jeans and heavy construction boots to his nightly workout. JEANS. Can you imagine anything more uncomfortable during exercise? The chafing alone would send me to the nut house. However, Louis had pecs the size of my entire torso, so I believe he is in the weight category of "I'll wear whatever the f*** I want." Light to Welter weights, such as myself, follow those "appropriate dress" rules to the letter.

[Also unappreciated is the gym-goer (male) who does not feel the need to wear tighty-whities/boxer briefs and then wears shorts. It is a given, my friend, that we will see your junk when you do squats. Keep the hairy beanbag to yourself.]

There are some rules at new Gym that I find difficult:

No jumping rope in the gym.

Seriously? NONE? Don't get me wrong, I don't really love jumping rope because it's hard, both cardiovascular-wise, but also in terms of demand for coordination (lacking in the latter). But sometimes the Workout of the Day calls for jumping rope, or worse, double-unders (the rope goes under your feet twice with each jump) and if I'm going to do it, I have to go outside and jump on the sidewalk. Next to the nail salon and the Indian food restaurant.

(Jump) Can I (jump) have a (jump) bite of (jump) your naan? (jump)

Do you know what is not a rule?

Steroid use.

I mean, technically it wasn't a rule at Gold's either, but it tends to be frowned upon by the legal community. Case in point, a couple of my workout buddies during my first six to nine months at Gold's were no longer my workout buddies thereafter cuz they went to jail. I think the kicker for them was importing steroids across international lines. And selling them. And injecting people right there in the gym bathroom. But they never, ever talked about them openly and they all tried to hide what they were doing (though it was pretty obvious to look at them).

Anyhoo, juicing is not a problem here. How do I know this?

A) These people are E.NOR.MOUS. I have never seen anything like it, even my old juicers didn't look like these guys on Vitamin S. Matthew and I look downright Lilliputian next to them.

B) They talk about it! Rather openly, I might add. I was standing next to Gargantuan Man with Bacne (see also: acne on the back) who was telling his friend he had placed in a body building competition (clearly not one for naturals) who said, "they should really tell you in private that you've won, not on stage, I mean, jeez, my estrogen was really high!" (meaning: he cried...that would be totally worth seeing). I repeated this to Matthew, just for confirmation that, yes, that is one of the side effects of steroid use. That, bacne and shrinky-dink testicles, I believe top the list for men.

So steroids are okay, but jump ropes are not. Got it...kind of.

But this rule is the one that confuses me:

No yelling, loud grunting, or profanity.

I mean, I understand what yelling is and anyone reading this blog is well aware of my prodigious use of profanity, but what exactly constitutes loud grunting?

Again, at Gold's I became acquainted with the concept of excessively loud grunting. Another group of my dear gym friends were obnoxious screamers "GET SOME GET SOME" "YOU GOT IT" "HIT THAT" "AAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHH" - So loud that you could hear them from the far side of the gym the minute you walked in the front door. That is certainly loud, but what about a little "ungh?" Is that so bad? Maybe so, because nobody grunts at this gym.

Well, except me.

The thing is, I worked hard on my grunt. Originally, when I couldn't even bench press the bar (that's 45lbs, for those who are unacquainted) I would squeak. Well, Matthew said it actually sounded a little more "sexual," if you will, rather than a squeak and he implored me to clean it up. Either I learned to grunt like a man (or at least not like a porn star) or I was no longer allowed to lift weights. At all.

I believe his quote was: That sound is like a mating call for every meat head in this gym. They hear that and they're like prairie dogs looking for prey.

And damn it all if he wasn't right: their heads would pop up over the machines and bars and weight racks and swivel like they were plopped on a lazy susan.

So I learned to grunt...like a man. And, yes, there really is a place for grunting when you lift weights heavier than a 10-year-old can manage. It forces you to breath out, rather than holding your breath and causing the capillaries in your eyes to burst (did that, once). I'm particularly grunty when doing cleans and/or clean and jerk and/or should presses. Above the head is a grunty zone, laying down I'm still a little squeaky. but improved.

A couple weeks ago I made my first attempt at benching 95lbs (that is 75% of my body weight I'll have you know and that's a lot for a Lilliputian) and I grunted. So sue me.

No one else seemed to notice, there were no prairie dogs, but Matthew said "SHHH! You're the only one grunting! No grunting!"

Pshh! They said no LOUD grunting and I am definitely not loud. And I didn't even swear, which is really good for me!

The next weekend, this other non-Roid guy, about Matthew's size, was benching and he was grunting really loud. Not loud like my old friends at Gold's, but definitely louder than me. So I peeked and he was doing very little weight. I mean, he was doing what Matthew does to warm up. Granted, he was lifting more than me, but seriously, I'm a girl.

There was a prairie dog effect (though it's starting to resemble Whack-a-Mole to me, heads popping up and dropping, where's a padded mallet when you need one?) and I felt a little sorry for the guy. I mean, some of us are little and we have just as much right to grunt as a juicer, right? And the best news is, even though he grunted VERY loud at every station on every rep of every set (doing the same weights I use), no one said a word to him about toning it down. Guess what that means?

Green light to grunts-ville.

GET SOME! HIT THAT HIT THAT! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!