Olfactory Girl

If I was a superhero my super-power would be a preternatural sense of smell.

Why would I choose to have a superior ability to detect odors? PLEASE people, I would never choose that on purpose, I'd rather fly or have X-ray vision so I could see exactly how much cash my husband actually has in his wallet before I ask him for some (plus, I'd hone my craft so I could see how much every pair of shoes at Nordstrom costs without having to pick each one up until I find the pair that won't rival my school-loan debt).

But, if you know anything about superheros, you know that they don't get to choose their super-power, it is 'gifted' to them by some cosmic power or freak accident. Well, I don't know if it's a cosmic power, freak accident, or horrible genetic mutation, but my sniffer is both large and in charge. I seem to have an above-average olfactory capacity (hmm, maybe I can fly, too? I'll check that one out later).

Having a super-sensitive sense of smell can be used for good (fresh baked bread) or evil (Matthew's GI system post pepperoni), but it cannot be tamed. I am constantly saying, "do you smell that?" to which Matthew is frequently saying, "it wasn't me!" But it isn't just poo that I smell, I smell EVERYTHING like it has been crammed up my nose.

It doesn't necessarily bother me, I mean, I not one of those people who can't stand when other people are wearing cologne or perfume (I don't wear it because I am lazy and that would be an additional step to complete when getting dressed and frankly, just wearing matching socks can feel like a burden sometimes). I love the smell of flowers, especially the really fragrant ones like stargazer lilies, and fresh-cut grass is yummy.

I like seasonal smells: Fall mornings in Oregon, around 7am when it's cool and crisp and it smells like I should be wearing new school clothes; Winter snow fall in the mountains by our cabin smells clean and damp and makes me want hot-chocolate with mini marshmallows; in the spring, after it rains and the sun comes out and warms the pavement and every Portlander puts on their sneakers for a jog, or a bike ride, or to walk the dogs or just to be outside in the sun and smile at their neighbors; and summer in Central/Eastern Oregon or Couer d'Alene, ID smells like warm pine cones and sap and dry brush and I feel like I should be basking in the sun trying to catch chipmunks with my brother.

There are smells that aren't good, per se, but are necessary: like when someone is getting sick and their breath smells different. When Bandit isn't feeling well or he's stressed out he smells different. Not bad, just a different dog smell than his normal dog smell. (Matthew swears I'm imagining this, but I can smell it and if I'm having olfactory hallucinations, that's a sign of a brain tumor, not schizophrenia, so he shouldn't be making fun of me, what kind of doctor is he anyway?! Sheesh.)

But I am having some issues lately with my superpower. First, it was Halibut.

I don't know what I was thinking, but I bought, like, two pounds of Halibut at the store (it was on special) and I got it home, opened the paper and thought, 'uh oh, that's smellier than it should be.' Clearly my fish wasn't as fresh as they were advertising AND there was way too much there for the two of us to eat before it went totally south, so I decided to freeze part of it. This is easier than it sounds.

According to the internet (the source of all reputable information) it is best to 'glaze' the fish before wrapping it. This involves dipping the fish in really cold water, then setting it in the freezer on wax paper until that layer freezes and repeating the dip, freeze, dip, freeze, until you have a coating of ice around the fish. Then you can put it in a freezer bag or some other container for longer-term storage.

Well, let me tell you what this process did? It made my fridge smell like fish...and my freezer...and my whole damn house. I did everything I know to do to prevent and/or correct this: I took the trash out immediately, I put fresh boxes of baking soda in both the fridge and freezer, and I bleached the hell out of the kitchen surfaces and eventually every inch of the freezer (bleach freezes quickly, just so you know...I recommend NOT spraying it directly into the freezer, lesson learned). After a few days with the windows open and about a gallon of bleach I was able to walk in the front door without saying "ugh, it smells like a sick vagina in here."

Halibut smell = vanquished.

But I may have met my match: Curry.

Oh how we love curry, but DAMN that is some smelly spice! Not only does it infect your home, it starts coming out of your pores after a few days. It all started when I made the mistake of taking Matthew to Trader Joe's.



First of all, taking him grocery shopping is like taking a young child to the store, minus the tantrums (he doesn't read this blog, he has no idea that I'm tell you all this). Every time I turn around he has added something to the cart and that 'something' is ALWAYS junk food (chips, cookies, those "pepperoni" sticks that are really just ground-up assholes and udders). Let me be clear here, that I am not opposed to junk food. We always have a few treats around the house, generally we don't eat junk unless it's homemade (i.e. no Hostess cupcakes or Tasty Cakes or Twinkies, etc - although Oreos and ice cream are allowed because I don't make those). My reasons for this rule are several: a) less processed gunk and preservatives; b) I think they taste better; c) I don't feel compelled to make tons of junk food, but it's very easy to buy tons of junk food, making it too accessible.

But the primary reason: it is a complete waste because we don't eat it all before it goes bad. For example, I made chocolate chip cookie dough a week ago. Notice I say "dough" not cookies, because Matthew only wants to eat the dough, not cookies (it's like salmonella roulette). I prefer my cookies fresh, so if I really want a cookie, I have to preheat the oven, bake them and wait for them to cool enough so that they don't remove a layer of flesh from my mouth. When it's all said and done, it takes about half an hour and by then the urge has passed and I leave the four fresh cookies on the counter. Sometimes I'll eat one, say, with breakfast (yummiest with coffee, but not so much with eggs), but usually they go stale and I throw them out.

A week later, half that cookie dough is left because we haven't eaten it. And we're not going to. (But I'm making dark chocolate cupcakes with dark chocolate frosting next, so I feel okay about being done with cookies for a while).

But I digress, where were we? Oh yes, at Trader Joe's. So Matthew isn't just a cart-stuffer with junk food, he is a pretty equal-opportunity impulse buyer. So when I see him heading toward the frozen food isle (back away from the dinners in a box that you will never eat!) I redirected him to the meats where he picked up the Trader Joe's Curry Chicken Tenders. Basically, they're just chicken marinating in curry and they were FAB.U.LOUS.

The morning after Curry Chicken Tenders the whole house smelled like curry and it was clear it was not a situation that could be remedied with bleach (I'd already tried). Plus, there were leftovers to fashion into a second meal that wasn't exactly like the first meal. Day two of Curry Chicken Tenders became Curried Coconut Chicken and, effectively, a curry-fogging of the entire apartment.



If curry was a pesticide there wouldn't be a living bug within these walls...EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE CURRY!

Windows open - not working
Bleach - not working (smells like curry-bleach)
Baking soda - not working

Is it possible?

Is curry my kryptonite?